Nonetheless, they keep coming, and I keep talking about them in hopes that someone will one day thrust a large pile of money at me and say, “That’s a great idea! Here’s a large pile of money!”
It hasn’t happened yet, despite such brilliant ideas as the Beer Charm Alarm, which is a small disk you can attach to your drink at parties. Then, if you set down your beer and can’t remember where, all you have to do is press a button and your cup or bottle will respond with flashing lights and that delightful “bwoop-bweep” sound associated with mall parking lots.
I also came up with the concept of Auto Boards — signs that can be mounted to the hood of your car and raised or lowered as necessary while you drive. Messages would be printed backwards on the signs so they’d appear correctly in the rearview mirror of the driver ahead and would include statements such as: “Your Turn Signal is Hypnotizing Me,” “Be Pro-Choice: Pick a Lane,” or “Quick! WBLM is Playing an AC/DC Rock Block!”
After reading about these brainstorms, I’m sure you share my perplexity as to why I have not yet achieved great wealth and fame. But it won’t be long now, because this time I’ve come up with a real winner — an idea that will make me rich one $10 T-shirt at a time. Here’s what I’m thinking.
One of the more challenging aspects of parenting is remaining patient when forced to repeat oneself multiple times. Whether it be a simple request, such as, “Could you please brush your teeth?” or a behavioral lesson à la, “Use your words,” kids frequently need to be reminded of things more than once, which can be maddening. And that’s why parents need T-shirts bearing those messages that oft need repeating.
Personally, I’d like one that says, “I’ve already given you my answer,” on the front, and, “We shall talk of this no more,” on the back for those times when I am besieged by “pleases” and “why nots?” that have already been addressed.
It would also be helpful if I had a shirt stating simply, “I am not the garbage can,” as my children are always handing me their old gum wrappers, used tissues, and leftover doughnut crumbs for disposal. (Okay, so I eat the doughnut crumbs, but I don’t need to be the middle-mom for those other items.)
Parents of young children who are trying to balance parenting with anything else need T-shirts that say, “I don’t need a vacation — I’m on a guilt trip,” to help them remember they’re not alone in their internal conflict. And once the children reach reading age, every parent should have a shirt that reads, “There will be hell to pay when I’m off the phone.”
Moms and Dads who haven’t visited the bathroom alone for years could sport tees declaring, “There is no ‘I’ in PEE,” and overtired housewives or husbands could subtly encourage their spouses to help out around the house with the slogan, “Foreplay = Doing the Dishes,” emblazoned across their chests. There are thousands of possibilities!
Supposedly, it takes multiple meaningful encounters with a new word before it will be successfully added to your vocabulary. If the same is true of new concepts — like the idea that dishpan hands are sexy — these shirts could really be helpful.
To that end, I’ll be happy to print up a few and start spreading the wisdom. Anyone want to hand me a large pile of money?
Belinda Ray is a homeschooling mother and freelance writer who finds time to write when her children and their friends have lightsaber battles in the yoga room (but only if the laundry is already folded and everyone’s been fed).