(Would it be better, I wonder, to be overpaid and underwhelmed? Probably not. But anyway...)
I wear about 28 hats as a rule, several of which (therapist, mediator, chef, chauffeur, laundress, housekeeper, seamstress, task master, barber, social coordinator, costume designer, teacher and fixer of broken toys, to name a few) fall loosely under the heading of “Mother.” Alas, they are unpaid positions.
Sure, I have other things going on — some paid, some not — but this mothering gig takes up most of my time. Even when I’m immersed in another pursuit, I find there’s still some small portion of my brain attending to the task of parenting, which is why the term “working mother” puzzles me so. Because, well, what’s the alternative? A non-working mother? Pah! I’m pretty sure there is no such thing.
Okay, okay, I know. The term exists to help distinguish between moms who are employed for pay and moms who don’t even score the occasional tip, but for whose benefit?
I suspect the term originated in the late é0s and early 60s as more and more women, and therefore more and more mothers, entered the paid work force. The term “working” was attached to the word “mother” in order to distinguish between the norm (moms who stayed home, cared for children and managed households) and the new (moms who took jobs outside the home). But again I ask, for whose benefit is this distinction necessary?
Certainly not the moms who are mothers first, second and third, with no slick nameplates to prop on their desks. For them, the idea that they are not working is nothing short of an insult, and yet, when asked at a cocktail party, “What do you do?” many are inclined to answer, “Oh, I’m just a mom.” JUST a mom, as if raising a child is akin to slacking off.
But gee, it must be, right? If a “working mother” is a mom who’s doing something extra, then a plain old mom without a qualifier must be an underachiever. At least, that’s what the terminology implies.
But when it comes to the semantics game, moms who hold down jobs outside of the parenting gig don’t fare any better. Because a “working mother,” by virtue of her work, loses her claim to the title of “full-time mother.” And if she’s not a full-time mother, surely she’s shortchanging her children. Right?
Wrong.
Moms are moms are moms.
Some of us have paying jobs, and some of us have hobbies; some of us create incredibly warm and welcoming homes, and some of us volunteer in classrooms and soup kitchens; some of us make every meal from scratch, and some of us serve TV dinners. There are millions of different kinds of mothers. We could label them all so that everyone would understand just what kind of mom she’s not, but what’s the point? These labels only serve to divide, when as mothers, we have much, much more that should unite us.
So here’s my proposal: let’s junk the “working” label — and any others you care to throw into the bonfire: at-home? full-time? soccer? — and just be mothers. This job is tough enough without all the discordance and guilt.
And who knows? If we, as women and mothers, could stop competing and instead approach one another with respect for the job we are all trying to do, being underpaid might not feel so overwhelming.
Belinda Ray is a homeschooling mother and freelance writer who finds time to write when her children and their friends have lightsaber battles in the yoga room (but only if the laundry is already folded and everyone’s been fed).