There is little else in my world that stops me and brings me into myself more than seeing my girls sleeping. Since they arrived five years ago I have probably spent the equivalent of at least a whole day staring at them as they slept. I did it a lot more when they were first born — I think it was because I was just amazed by them. Their tiny fuzzy heads, little fingers and toes and impossibly small fingernails seemed so foreign and crazy to me.
I’m not someone who always saw himself as a parent. I never imagined myself at the center of a storm of little ones. In those first months as I adjusted to being a parent, I marveled at the fact that they were actually mine. I kept joking that I couldn’t get used to the fact that their parents weren’t going to show up and take them home. So I spent a long time just watching them.
I still do, but now, since they are so active and so busy, it seems like I only get to slow down and be with them quietly as they sleep. Their measured easy breathing makes me conscious of my own. I slow down. I reach out and push their hair out of their faces and feel their soft cheeks. I take a hand, marveling at how those tiny fingers have become so long and strong. Usually they will close their hands and squeeze my finger. That special moment of connection reminds me of what is important, why I get up every day and go to work and it is a big part of why I can’t wait to get home every night.
That morning, as they lay there sleeping on our bed and I looked at them curled up next to each other, it was a perfect way to start my day. Of course, it being a normal weekday morning, the spell had to be broken all too quickly. I shook them gently awake and hustled them off to get dressed and have breakfast. It may have been a short pause before a busy day, but it was a few unspoiled moments of peace and a chance to notice just how much I love them.
Brian Clark is the father of twin girls and is program manager for the STRONG Fathers Network, which supports men in their efforts to be skilled, active and strong parents. It is funded by York County Community Action Corp. and the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services. Brian’s views and opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of YCCAC.