The conference theme was “Masculinity, Identity & Culture.” There were more than 300 attendees — middle- and high school-aged students, teachers and adults who play important roles in the lives of boys. It was a wonderful experience. I loved watching those young men being challenged to think seriously about who they are and what kind of person they want to be.
The presentations, workshops and activities all focused on some aspect of what it means to grow up male in 2008. At first, as I sat listening to a group of young men who were performing raps they had written on the theme, I was thinking how much more complicated things are for young men growing up today. As my girls get older, I have certainly been paying a lot of attention to the challenges, issues and situations young people face. Their world seems so much more complicated, with the saturation of technology, communication, information and the obsession with pop culture. It feels like they face impossible pressures and expectations. Honestly, I can’t dwell on it for long. I have to return to the present, and reassure myself that by focusing on the important stuff now, we are improving the chances that they all come through adolescence intact.
While the pressure on girls is often to be all things to all people, the pressure on boys is more an impossible pressure to be one kind of person. When a boy can’t be (or chooses not to be) that person, he runs the risk of being cut out of the brotherhood in some way. And in this way the generation gap is bridged, because in many ways we face that same pressure as fathers. In American culture we have a very narrow definition of what it means to be a real man, and no matter how much or how little we buy into that definition we grew up immersed in it. It affects us.
As fathers, we are impacted. Entire ad campaigns are designed to insult men who act in “unmanly” ways — choosing to communicate, showing emotion or an interest in anything deemed feminine — and, at the same time, we know that we need to be emotionally available to our families, and that we can, and should, involve ourselves in their lives in many different ways. Sometimes those ways are beyond the narrow definition of manhood.
For many men this is not a great struggle. Some simply reject the stereotype and feel no conflict. Others embrace it in a way that leaves no room for confusion or doubt. Most men, I think, find themselves somewhere in the middle. We value much of the masculine archetype, but find it difficult to leave behind that which we find constricting or harmful. It is in that middle ground where we are challenged to grow and find the strength to be ourselves, and also find the strength to be silly, nurturing or open. And for me, those are the places where I find the greatest joy as a father.
Brian Clark is the father of twin girls and is program manager for the STRONG Fathers Network, which supports men in their efforts to be skilled, active and strong parents. It is funded by York County Community Action Corp. and the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services. Brian’s views and opinions do not necessarily reflect the views of YCCAC.